The past few days have seemingly been a blur for me. I can’t be sure if it’s stress, or craziness, or just for the fact I’ve been busy outside of my usual worlds, but for some reason I can’t recall too much of the past week.
I often have a lot of things on my mind. It’s usually storylines, characters, and what I can do to turn their lives upside down for a while….but this is one of those instances in which I can simply think about me and the future. As I have said, like a broken record, for a long time now, writing has always been my greatest passion and it brings me so much joy. I love writing stories and sharing them with everyone. A lot of people love my stories and I love them for that, but even with recent successes I still have my doubts.
I think it’s only natural that we all have doubts at some point in time. Like, sometimes I wonder if I will ever be a name people recognize. Will my stories become something that people instantly recognize when spoken of? Perhaps not, or maybe they will. Will I ever truly become a bestseller like so many of my friends? Who knows. That’s not for me to know at this time. I always tell myself that if I just keep working at it, I can accomplish anything. The sky’s the limit, right?
I’ve had a lot of people attempt to ground me in the past. A high school guidance counselor who told me I wasn’t smart enough for college; battling depression on more than one occasion and almost losing my life over it; and being anchored down in a scandal that nearly tore my world apart. All of this has happened and I’ve miraculously survived.
Why is that? What is it that’s given me the drive for all these years? What made me so incredibly strong, that no matter how great the heartache I can still get out of bed in the morning and smile?
Mind you, I don’t always feel like smiling. There are some days, or weeks, in which I’m pretty content with staying in bed…..but I still find that motivation to keep pushing forward, to keep chasing my dreams until I manage to tackle the bastards and take what I feel is so rightfully mine.
I do have faith in myself. I do love myself. I do believe that I’ve got a gift and I’m meant to share it with people. I can’t even begin to express my gratitude to the 3,030 likes I have on my fanpage. The reviews that have come in for my books, good and bad, mean so much to me. The people who are always standing by, ready and willing to help me up if I stumble….there just aren’t words to express my gratitude.
I am thankful that I can pay bills and buy food with my writing now. I am beyond thrilled that my sales have gone up into the double digits, and sometimes the triple digits. But I do not do this for the money, you know. I didn’t hit publish in hopes of becoming rich. I did it to share my stories, my worlds, and my characters that I love so much. I am happy that people are always asking when the next book will be out-it means they like what I have to say.
But then I have these days…in which no words are written on a word document. I have days when the story is there, but I can’t bring myself to transfer it to my computer, or a notebook for that matter. It’s an off day, and I hate that. This has been an off week and I don’t know why.
I don’t like it–I can tell you that much. I know that I have much to do and little time to do it in. Soon enough my time will be dedicated to bringing Christmas joy to hundreds, possibly thousands of children. I keep hoping that whatever wall I’ve hit will tumble down soon so I can at least finish one project. I don’t like how it makes me feel when I’m unproductive.
At this point I am only rambling, but as I always say, if I cannot express my feelings here….then where?
I suppose I just needed to get some thoughts out somewhere, so you, my readers, get to witness this rare rant/rambling.
I’m stuck and it sucks, but hopefully I can bring you a new story soon. xx
Thank you for being on this journey with me. ❤