Indeed it has been a while and I apologize for that. My mind has been in a million places at once and it wasn’t easy to find my way back.
The one thing I have always tried to do is be as honest with you, my readers, as possible. I am just as human as you. I bleed when I’m cut, I cry when I’m hurt, and sometimes I feel tremendous pain that I don’t know how to deal with.
I’ve only touched base on this once I think, because I’m not proud to talk about it. It makes me very ashamed, actually. I am ashamed of myself most of the time because of it. It’s hard to deal with.
Depression is very real and it happens to a lot of people. I happen to one of them.
[This isn’t my picture. I don’t take credit for it. If you own it, please let me know so I can give proper credit.]
When I was in high school I dealt with some of the hardest depression of my life when my parents got divorced. I went through a hell I don’t care to return to, but sometimes I find myself slipping back into that darkness and I can only pray to God that I make it out of it alive.
It’s scary when you get to a certain point where nothing seems to matter anymore. You hate everything, but you hate nothing more than you hate yourself.
I just got back, honestly. The last two weeks have been very bad for me and my stories have suffered. Things have been strained.
Sure, I can laugh and smile and cut up with you, but on the inside I am screaming. I hate that.
I hate that I hated myself. I hate that I had such horrible thoughts. I hate that I wanted to throw everything away.
I’ve worked hard to be who I am today. I’ve worked hard to write stories people enjoy. I’ll keep writing those stories, just so you know, but they have been on pause for the last little while until I could pull myself back together.
There was one point when I told myself I was nothing but a joke. I can’t write. I suck at it. I don’t create anything special when it comes to stories. Writers like me are a dime a dozen….
You can imagine how angry this made the characters in my head, huh? They didn’t like it. -I- didn’t like it. But that’s hard to explain to someone who’s never dealt with depression/known someone who fights it daily.
It’s pretty much invisible. It only happens inside of my head. Those are the scariest battles of all.
I think I’m going to be okay now. Yesterday I woke up without feeling like I was going to have a panic attack. No sudden tears came. I was able to breathe easy for the first time in what seemed to be an eternity.
I’m grateful for that.
I guess I’m making this post because I want to reach out to anyone who may be in my situation. You’re not alone. There are people who care about you and they want to help. Even if you feel they don’t, reach out to them. Don’t fight this on your own.
I’m sorry to those I’ve kept distant in the last little while, but it’s hard to talk about it. It’s hard to explain.
I just hope I can keep my head above water for a while. That temporary sensation of drowning sucks.
Have a wonderful day. ❤