Survival of the Faithless

It’s a dark day.  It’s been a dark month, but I’ve tried my hardest to pretend it’s as pretty on the inside as it is outside, right now.  The sun is shining, the sky is so beautifully blue…the clouds are fluffy and white.

It really is a gorgeous day, but I just can’t get into it.

You see, right now, on the inside of my brain, it is dark and stormy.  The rain has been pelting down for weeks, threatening to drown me.  This rain I speak of, it’s actually just a lot of thoughts. Bad thoughts, depressing thoughts, degrading thoughts…all the negativity I try so hard to avoid.

But sometimes it catches up to you, whether you want it to or not.  Its claws are so deep in me right now…I just don’t know if it’s going to let go.

It’s so hard to pretend you’re okay sometimes. It’s a fight just to put on a smile, or clothes, or get out of the stupid bed.  There are moments when I wonder why I keep breathing.  Why does my heart keep beating when I just want all of this pain to stop?

And it’s not even physical pain.  It’s hard to explain to anyone who hasn’t dealt with this before.  It’s emotional and mental, and I have suffered from it off and on since I was 13 years old.

I try not to talk about it. I try not to bring it up.  I pretend that this isn’t me.  This isn’t who I am.  I’m a woman who writes books and brings these stories to life for other people.

I write the words I wish I could live.  I be the people I wish I could trade places with.

It’s just a bad day.  One of the worst I’ve had in a while.

It’s been building up, and building up, and I honestly don’t see any hopes of getting out of it any time soon.

There’s just so much going on…

Anyway, I just need to get get it off my chest.  I am by no means looking for sympathy.

I just needed to escape my head for a little while.  It’s a scary place in there sometimes.

Funny how so many brilliant characters reside in my brain..right along with the demons who have haunted me since I was a little girl.

I’ll climb out of it eventually, somehow.  That’s just not going to happen today.

I just have to fight to survive.

I can’t stop fighting.

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  1. I totally understand, T. I go through this as well. Sometimes you think if I can just talk to someone but no, they usually end up talking about themselves and their demons and you wind up helping them instead. Vicious circle we are in—but you’re not alone, you are in my heart, T.

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